Things have been rolling faster and faster over the last few years and many times I've felt overwhelmed by the gap between my goals and accomplishments as a musician(Human). I've been at this for most of my life, put in countless hours of practice, thinking, obsessing , avoiding.... You get the drift.
If there is one thing that's been a constant throughout, it's that you get what you give. I'm not just talking about brute force effort (although that counts for something) I'm also talking about perspective and frame of mind. You see, I've had some ups here and there but for long stretches of time I felt down about my playing (life) and nothing seemed to "fix" it until I really started to dig into the core of my values. I realized first and foremost that as serious as music is to me it's always gotta be fun. So with that in mind I slowly started to rebuild myself as a player(person), step by painful step. I could write a small novel about all the books I read and strategies I attempted to help me find my way but the simplest way to put it is that I had a major change of perspective.
The catalyst for change can sometimes come in the worst moments of your life and mine was certainly rooted in pain and loss yet it's our mortal fragility that drives us to seek answers and look within.
A lot of us are challenged by a hyper connected, 24/7 world that ruthlessly erodes our core values and before we know it, we're going through the motions and feel unsatisfied. I learned to wear a convincing mask to help me blend in but underneath I struggled to find purpose. I think trying to fit in was probably a primitive survival instinct but these days it's more important than ever to find grounding and be who you really are despite what others think. I think judging one and other is a grotesque, ingrained trait we naturally posses,it's also the reason we're so hard on ourselves.
So how does this all relate to music?
It was during these moments of reflection that I realized how much fear was stopping me from growing and taking chances. The fear of failure, looking foolish for failing, not being as good as I pretended to be and even the fear of success. These walls stood in my way for many years and they are still visible but I'm working hard every day to overcome my own prison and the liberation is the best reward. I know the fear will never fully dissipate bit I'm ok with that and as long as I'm grateful for everything positive in my life I know things will be ok.
Viva la musik!!!!
If anyone who reads this wants to know more details about the books that helped me and some of the concepts I've learned please email as I'd be happy to share.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and be a part of my journey!!